Rebecca's Journal

Time:	3:34 pm.
Mood:	sick.
Music:	ludacris.

So Im sicker than ever (thanks kids!). This time I have pharengitis ? I dont know but it's going around and it feels like a throat/tonsil infection plus the symptoms of a flu. I hate life. They prescribed me to some medicine that the dosage wasn't high enough for me to kill this thing so after i started growing white things on my tonsils, they prescribed me two more types of meds. rar! That's it. Im going to get my tonsil removed because I'm sick of this! I hate being sick and especially if Im gonna work with kids, this will definitely happen more and more.
gosh!
So my last week of camp is finally here and sadly, I don't really want it to end. Yeah it sucked waking up at 7 everyday and taking care of these rich kids for weeks and weeks. But I think I fell in love with some. We're going out as a group of conselours to eat at the cheesecake factory as an end of the summer dinner celebration thingy. It should be good except I hate being sick. You know what reallllly bothers me. Well obviously I gave mike my sickness and his isnt that bad but to cure mine, I needed to at least go to the doctor and let him prescribe me pills. No not mike, he'd rather take advil to END the pain. But guess what!? It's just supressing it and making you think that you're all better or whatever but it's really not helping. He's like oh I feel much better?!! what thehell. We live in the 20th century stop trying to be a scientologist! Maybe back then but things just don't go away that easy anymore! It just makes me mad.ahhhhhh boys.
So my classes are all picked out. Im taking intro to chem, us history from 1865, and art appreciation on mondays and wednesday from like 8-12ish. I have a class with drummy so thats awessssome.
skylake house kinda sucks. people just make it messy and for some ODDDDD reason (not really) i think they cant say no if i ask to come over (just me) because i clean and buy nice things for their dumb house. theyre just being bitchy or menstral lately. i dont really care.
well krystal moved out and i miss her. i think me and denise are going to plan to drive up to see both her and sarah sometime before summer ends.

bomb ass pussssy

but other than that im probably just going to keep my job as a babysitter and that is that.i need to call to get an appointment for a liscense because um yeah. its the 20th century.

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Time:	4:38 pm.
Mood:	flirty.
Music:	incubus x smokin the herb again.

I wish I was still in highschool. Everything I wanted to do, I did it. I just want to go back. I have a crush but it doesn't matter. I just remember how fun it was to play the chasing game. Haha. It sucks when the person you do really love doesn't fit into your personality anymore. Or your future. What can you do there? I don't know. I don't know why I'm even posting this on LIVEjournal. Everything is a learning experience and I could only move foward. I'm kinda sad but kinda happy. One day..one day I will come around again. In psychology, at my age, you are meant to be looking for love. Once you find that, you may experience midlife crisis' and work work work. Then relaxation or depression depending on what you did in your past. And then you die. Everything is a puzzle or a maze in life. fcukinna

I really would love to read or to start reading. Im finally done with school and I passed with a C. Well whatever I passed. The only thing I could show is my degree. ladiedada. I don't know what to do with myself. Im probably bored. and I havent talked to pat in a month. I miss him and he should call me back.

well gotta go play around on myspace then work out. bufffff
love beeeca

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Time:	8:27 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.

Just when the good gets going, there's something always to get me knocked down again. I try so hard for my passion and my love, and someone always has to try to make me look worse than them. I hate humans. Everything is a competition. Nobody clearly knows themselves yet so they all make assumptions to make them feel better. It just tires me out. what do you want from my life!!! Anyways I thought mike and i were going to be no more. But I say that to myself a lot and then he'll say he will 'change' and then im like okay! and then it goes right back to the starting point. I don't know. Maybe it's me. I have a hard time expressing myself so I wait it out until I have a clear view and then I think it's too long and too unnecessary anymore to start the fight over. I think I just don't ever want to talk and I just 'whatever' the situation all the time instead of listening and sharing our opposites even if I dont agree probably majority of the time. I just wanna get drunk! haha! Nicks birthday is tomorrow. It doesnt matter to me because I have to work everyday. The worst thing about the job is lunch and swim. There's this kid thats so negative that is a conselour also that just says the kids are stupid. theyre 4 what do you want. it just makes me hurt kinda. Weird. Well im emo this week and annoyed because of my (.) gross. I just want camp to be over so i can have money and then drive. haha. slacker for life! well 7 more weeks. then i have to find a new job.
do you know, wait who am i talking to, i mean theyre putting a duffy's right down the block from my house. that is off the chizain. that will be my new qd haha. loser i am. maybe ill work there on the weekends. nah probably not. haha.
im thirsty and i have a headache. so bye

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Subject:	i hate the smell of spit
Time:	10:45 pm.
Mood:	giddy.
Music:	crickets.

especially when you sneeze in mid air and then the spit droppings finally start to get into your nostrils and you smell this nasty ass vomiting smell like bad breath but its just spit. how dirty and disgusting!
Works been going good except I dont know why I get a feeling of such discomfort and coldness from the people in the back room. I always smile and they just look at me like they "know." KNow what you may asK? well im fucking becca what else. I dont act crazy act work, I just act like Im in 7th grade and I dont know how to speak. Thats all. And no I dont think Im over analyzing it. thats just how it is. Im waiting until I get that damn car I call my own and learn to drive it. I want to be a receptionist or an assistant prek or kindergarten teacher, get paid more than 10 bucks an hour, and like what I do. I didn't know I had to do bitch work at bealls. Nobody told me I had to climb ladders and stock 20 pound boxes of glass while sweating perfusly doing it almost falling over and people looking up my skirt that I didnt know I was wearing to do that work for. Even though I can pick it up, the reason why I wanted to work retail was so I wouldn't get sweaty ha!
Whatever I just better be receiving a fat paycheck. And it all goes to daddy!
School really blows. I really don't know if Im going to pass or not. I got a 55 on my first algebra test and I thought it was going to be lower than that. I don't know how the teacher grades but damn straight its better that way than if she was a bitch grading on every little mistake. She even counts homework.
Last weekend was a lot of fun. I went to my boyfriends exgirlfriends territory! "katie's got some big ass titties" I didnt know i was going to go but i was there and I saw her with a fat mexican perhaps?! I dont know it was just reeeeeeaaalllyyy weird and I just asked her where I was and that was that. It was kinda funny coming all up in her place. Its first off funny that she goes from Mike who is like a+ marriage material to a d- who comes prepared with marijuana necessities (not that its bad to have the stuff, its just, your supposed to go places and your friends give it to you for free). It was second off, sooo disgusting like when you walk into a concert arena bathroom and people just piss on the floor or spit on the mirrors or pour their alcohol on everyones HAIR AND EYES (that was awesome by the way, NOT fuckers). But yeah seriosuly it was last but not least funny when it was real quiet and then Boltri and I come in and theyre all in their drunken stupers...BECCAAABDGFGE BOLTRIASEYBASJDGYU ahhaha. Its great. I mean Im not in for attention its just that we both bring this crazy aura that makes people hyper and out there. Its great.
And then all the girls try to be lesbians with me.

well im going to go eat some salmon and spegetti hahaha!
i miss krystal.
i need to go shopping. I havent in 3 and a half months! oh gawd!!!
get it right
get it right get it tight
BYE

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Time:	10:59 pm.
Music:	pitbull x bojangles.

i just got a new job at bealls. i walked in and i got the job right away. i was so happy i said i was totally interested in any position and hours of availibility. but then they scheduled me to work every single day/night from like 1-9:30. I am so drained by the time I come home I don't even go out anymore. Well the pay check is what really matters. Everyone else goes to work anyhow so I don't think I'm missing out much. The only thing that is bothering me is that I just started my night classes at pbcc for college algebra. I really hope I can do all the homework AND study mighty hard for these tests. I did so poorly, I really want at least a B in this bullshit class. We go over like 4 sections a night. I don't know how Im supposed to have time to study. seriously. Maybe I should tell them to lessen my hours until school is over for the summer and then go back to working really hard.
Im getting my car in a week but Im sorta annoyed at the situation. It needs a bit of fixing which isn't that big of a deal. But my dad is going to drive it for the meantime until he gets his car back. How am I supposed to learn. Then he wants me to have driving lessons with a stupid instructor! AHh no. I rather mike just teach me because I could freak out and not really care because it's just him rather than pretending Im okay and crash into a mailbox. I dont know. whatever happens happens.
So all in all I have a pretty busy lifestyle. I mean I like it but I don't want to sometimes. The day goes by so slow because all I do is fold clothes or put away merchandise that doesn't belong or rarely talk to customers and tell them where shit is. Whatever I get like 7.50 an hour.
blaaaaaa
okAY THATS MY LIFE
BYE

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Subject:	hey mami
Time:	8:45 am.
Mood:	anxious.
Music:	outkast x scottioppuilosaidocious ?!?!?!.

ive been so stressed and sick and i hate life because im a woman and i hate being dysfunctional and my breath smells because i started smoking ciggarettes again but i dont know when i'll stop im supposed to but i haven't yet. i dont think i ever quit in my life (not just ciggs but smoking in general) i probably have bad lungs and health. its sad cause russells daddy is in the hospital and has lung cancer and i cried about it and i hate thinking about what could happen but my mom got a heart attack from STRESS so i mean anything can happen to anyone unpredictably. right? well knowing is half the battle and i guess im making my battle so much harder. who does that stupid people like me i guess. i dont know whats going on i feel so crazy and i dont wanna go out anywhere i just want to lay in my bed all day. i rearranged my room because it didnt make any sense the way it was so now its nice and i can't fall asleep because im mesmorized of how nice it looks. and clean. but it will get messy again. i like the color but i cant find anything to match it with. thats my life crisis at the moment hahahah!
ive been out of school since monday morning and im still stressed the fuck out. why?! i dont know. im supposed to go to this pimps and hoes party i dont know this weekend. im not OMIGOSH excited because i can dress like a hoe or a pimp and it would just be normal (me dressing up). i dont care just give me some alchie. i dont even feel like drinking right now! i just feel like going to the beach and sleeping while the sun is beaming on me. i really get depressed when the sun is not out.
ive been up since 4 am doing nothing just trying to find a good way to sleep. im so uncomfortable. i jumped on my bed to go lay down and i think i broke it.
i hate having a vagina gosh. its like a gaping hole of death. ahahah. what the fack! delusional. i need sleep but i cant. i dont know what to do with myself. i have problems with judgement. i thinkits social phobia. i feel scared when im around a lot of people i know. i suck.
i think i am going to victoria secrets today because i want a hot pink push up bra because my titties need support. haha. im losing so much weight i think. i am never really hungry. and im taking my carbs out of my diet little by little and just eating nice. i just dont eat when im not hungry. bladdie blah.
i guess im done for now. i think megans coming down tonight or today or something. thats great i like her a lototoo because she does what she wantsssssss
well im probably gonna break out of my shell tonight and run to pattys. i hope. i dont know. im wacked out of my mind.
bye ugly

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Time:	10:23 am.
Mood:	crazy.
Music:	typinggg but i hear three 6- "im so high all i smell is ??".

I feel like 10th grade again sometimes and I used to eat alot and I loved making nutterbutter sandwiches for everyone! Then I'd fall on the floor and my teachers would yell at me and i'd scream and cry at the same time and recite tool and bjork lyrics to them and then they'd have to kick me out and send me to the cafeteria where i had to write down fcat paragraphs but instead i drew and spit on them. then id go home and smoke ciggarettes with latka and krystal and sarah and get a bunch of quarters and walk to publixx in the hot ass sun and find the rest of the clan because they all had no cars and then buy a ten bag and smoke it behind the sidewalks or the pool OR if there were just the right amount of people we'd go to the chillen spot and call everyone batches. god i loved highschool only because of that. every year had its crazyness. i always loved the stoner year. yess....oh man. how young and fun and silly.
now
i feel dead and hopeless. still silly. but things got old fast. theyre the best when you just start hanging out and just start adapting to other girls needs and relying on them for advice and friendship.
guys suck!!!!
well too good my life didnt suck that bad.

im gonna go to quarterdeck tonight and get trashed. oh yes.

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Subject:	your beautiful
Time:	9:46 am.
Mood:	restless.

I agree with krystal

well how am i going to try to make mike into something he's not. i get mad because the things that I want him to do he doesn't because that's not who he is. Im not trying to change him at all but I guess there's certain expectations that I see in my mind that doesn't work out in reality. Why do I want him to keep being something he's not. what are you supposed to do about that!!!!! no seriously. Im so selfish. Maybe it's probably not meant to be. I really don't want a boyfriend anymore but then I'll have no friends at skyake anymore or something. I feel highschoolish. I think Im single. But i don't want anyone! Im sick of expecting the perfect guy and buying the perfect things and laughing at the perfect time. And if it's not perfect then it's not meant to be!!!!!!!! So maybe it's not. keep telling that to yourself. I truly, will never, be happy. I won't and if the next person comes along I'll disect all their faults and blah blah. But nothings been this bad ever. Ive handled pretty bad relationships with stupid people but this one is so hard to change. why cant all my thoughts equal out to one person. why cant i just know who im supposed to be with for the rest of my life forever. its just not working. i dont like his brain anymore. its gone. i feel gone. but in a way right now...i feel so RELIEVED! i feel free. i feel good. without you! is the devil living in me?! i dont know. what is my problem. is this normal behavior? i just want to marry krystal thats all. i dont need anyone. if krystal was right next to me id be happy. and now shes leaving and im crying. i cant go on without physical relations. im gonna have to go with her.
fuck all the boys
i just want my best friend forever.

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Subject:	yo mamas so fat
Time:	2:56 pm.
Mood:	chipper.
Music:	fatboy slim.

im watching that yo mamma show on mtv its retarded haha. im surprised nobody has hit anyone yet!
im soo bored. all i do is sit at home and change myspace a zillion times and think of shit to add to it. im SOOBOREEDD YES UES YES.
i was actually supposed to go to lucilles to see if i could get hired right fast but i dont feel like it. i really dont feel like doing anything except seeing patrick right now. im probably gonna go over there. they dont know yet muhahaha. im going to taahira's birthday party thingy tomorrow. i dont know if im gonna bring mike yet cause i dont know. if he wants to then he could but whatever. lala. i wanna go shopping. i hate complaining. i stil feel 15 AWESOME.
whatelse
ive said everything i wanted to.
i had this super insane crazy trippy dream.
it was with everyone i knew and i worked at quiznos. and the time was 9pm (when quiznos closed) and somehow i was driving on every block to see if every quiznos closed. my manager was like NO YOU HAVE 5 MORE MINUTES im like god dammit. i dont care i shut off the lights then i went to this basketball court place with a bunuch of people i know but i couldnt see their faces. there was this button on the floor that controlled the bass and the music. someone told me to push it and i did so and it was intense like i heard the music and the song "I CANNOT SAVEEE YOU!! I CANT EVEN SAVE MYSELF" by stabbing westward was playing very clearly. it was weird. so weird!
thats what happens when i stay sober for more than a week...haha jk
lala.
i wana see scary movie but i havent seen the 2nd one or something. maybe ill have a marathon by myself.
yessssss
welll bye i dont think anyone even reads these. succcuckkkaaas

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Subject:	god dammit this got erased
Time:	9:46 am.
Mood:	stressed.

stupid shitty lJ
so i went to monicas house/apt whatever this weekend for her surprise birthday party. i was real high and drunk and probably said some things i shouldve held back. i dont care really anymore. but the people were okay. up until pat walked in with this kid troy. i mean i smoked the man out too with some dank. whatever. people who drop out of middle school should just kill themselves anyways.
im glad i hang out with good quality people. im also sad that i feel that the people closest to me are slowly fading and drifting further and further apart. i feel that everyone wants to say something to me but are too afraid of my reactions of being hurt. but whatever, i would like to know. so i continue living my days and nights with no more phone calls. my phone used to blow up every 10 seconds. i guess when you get a boyfriend, everyone stops talking to you. maybe i stopped talking to everyone too. i feel like i never could think on my own anymore. im scared about mike and what happens in the now and future. we always get in stupid fights from him not understanding me. im so sarcastic and he's so not. sometimes i really feel lost. i hate that feeling. but i mean i guess i want this. sometimes it was nice being single. i hate worrying about people. i hate it when i cant even pick up my phone and just LEAVE and go out and party and not worry about where im going to be found nexxt. with mike everything has to be a plan and a definite arrival and all that shit in like detail. i dont know. i guess if i could actually go do it for m yself it would be different.
im glad schools almost over. i have only 2 more huge papers to write and a huge psychology test to study for. and i have to get at least a b! which i dont know. i hope so. well im taking one summer class- college algebra. get that over with hopefully. then camping maybe and yadda yadda.
i dont know if im leaving for school. it would be nice though. partying is cool, but partying with people that go to school are cooler...because theyre not bad...they go to school too! who knows...i have my whole life.
stupid pisces.
my hair stinks
well seeya
becca

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Time:	12:59 pm.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	bjork x its in our hands.

i hate when boyfriends contribute about 65% of my saddness. i hate doing drugs because it's all false feelings and then after they wear off you feel even more depressed or not satisfied even before you decided to do them. i hate being high sometimes. im bi-polar when it comes to drugs, either i love them or i absolutely hate them. i hate everything i do. everything is based off of others peoples energy and decisions. i dont smoke or anything by myself. its always with somebody. but i feel like these substances are taken to far. i feel stupid and slow and miserable and hurt. alone. selfish. i have to stop. i have to. for my own good. i dont feel connected to the world. im stupid. okay well
i cant explain my brain sometimes
i cant write or say the things i truthfully want to say
but then when im stressed i want them
i somehow neeed them
for me to stop thinking about stupid bullshit. i guess mary is an exception but every other mind altering way is not. stopppppp
okay i will
today will be the day
and tomorrow will be different than today

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Subject:	hello
Time:	9:42 am.
Mood:	bouncy.
Music:	nothing.

So Mike took me out to dinner at Longhorn last night. It was really good. I haven't had a nice steak in a while. Yay. But it was cool and all. The day before that Krystal and I went to foeva21 and I bought this nice dress. Everytime I buy dresses, theyre like prom style so I had to mixx it up a bit. I'm such a slacker in school. I always wait to study or prepare myself in order to write a paper. I hate taking all english oriented classes. I'll probably take art app. in the summer and i have to take college algebra because ill forget everything if i keep waiting. i hate math so much.
i also hate drugs sometimes and drinkin. ive just stayed the same when it comes to weight. i work out but then i binge on beer that nothing happens. probably when schools over ill just quit everything and be strict. i dont know until it happens. i am so indecisive when it comes to everything. i rely on whoever is close to me and theyre usually the ones who give me that one exxtra push in life. i still never am gonna learn to drive a car because i have no money and nobody drve automatic nowadays. if mike only had an auto car then i would be like umm yeah lemme drive. but his truck suxx. i hate trucks unless theyre big monster ones. haha.
alallaaaaa
i really dont know what else to write. seriously. haha actually i was over skylake the other night and somehow i got sooo drunk! off of miller high life. oh i love that shit. but yeah anyways, i was trashed and i swore in my head i saw my first boyfriend i ever had and im like ak go up to him and pretend like you wanna know his name and he did and it was but i didnt wanna go up to him because i was wasted and i was probably falling all over the place. but it was funny. i think he works with russell or something. hahaha
im so gay sometimes
i keep having dreams about mikes ex girlfriend and we're friends in my dreams. they always recurr too. i think somethings wrong with me! who thinks about that. i dont know. i dont even know the bitch. but i know for a fact if we got in a fight i would tear her up haha. i want to fight people its funn. well maybe cause i never did and it would probably make my adrenaline go crazy.
shut up becca
bye

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Subject:	did ya heard
Time:	11:46 am.
Mood:	disappointed.

I hate explaining myself to people that have entered my life in duration of the last year or so. If you already know me, I obviously don't have to sit here and pass judgement and analyze situations without being questioned why I do so. I only have about 3 people that will know me probably for the rest of my life. I wish all of those people can take their brains out of their skull, mixx it up into a bowl, and make up a body that will be a man for me to have for my life to be with. It's so hard to be misunderstood and wrong all the time or looked down upon from some that you love. But others can be completely supportive and even if I do something wrong, err something that they wouldnt personally do, I wouldn't be accused of being wrong or scorned down to a totem pole or made fun of. I care so much. Sometimes when I analyze who i'm going to be with for the rest of my life, I find faults and those faults turn into whether or not I want to deal with it. Usually when I don't find it interesting anymore I just float away until something better comes along. How are you supposed to say goodbye when you don't even know what you're looking for until it's here?! And then when it comes it won't be right again. I'll find something else to pick at and hate it. Maybe you're right. I'll know when I know and I'll be ecstatic. I hate waiting it out. I should just be single my whole life. I feel so much better as an independent. I have dedicated my life which was stupid on my behalf and just shooed my friends away and my phone calls and my jobs and my money and me. I'm the person that I never wanted to become. And I didn't mean to let it get this far. I'm afraid to hurt so I stay around. All I do is complain and whine and cry and pretend I'm happy. I wish Krystal was made into man form so I can just be with her brain. It's the gift that most do not have and they probably will never experience compatabilness. I knew this wouldn't work out the way I saw it in my future. I feel like a loser. I feel like it's the end of the world. What am I supposed to do with all this unexplained regression I'm holding within my one piece of mind summed up to be me when it's taken over by a strong force because I was curious and I don't know how to come down again.
does anybody in the world understand me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really am in danger. help.
lkashduiahd838947284indfn
i have no place to hide anymore

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Subject:	read all about it
Time:	10:04 am.
Mood:	groggy.

I feel so sick or something. My throat is congested with green mucan and it tastes bad everytime I try to hack it up. bleh. I hate being sick. I haven't been sick in a year. Ever since I stopped smoking ciggarettes I've been awesome. I don't know. I smoked one the other week and maybe it's payback.
I went to boomers yesterday with mike, chance, and fi. We went into laser tag and this friggin 9 year old add kid was following me and shouting and i was gonna cry because I didn't want to hurt him but he was shaking his gun in my face and i pushed him lightly to move him away. I was so mad and confused and I just wanted to kill him. Who does that! So I left the game in the first 5 minutes. Then the kid found me in the gameroom and seriously there must have been something wrong with him! AHH!!!!!! But he went away eventually. I had so much fun after that. We stayed about 7 and then went to sushi. It was soo good. I don't know where we were, somewhere in boca. That day was the best day i had in a really long time.
I studied super hard for my psychology test today. I took it and it was fairly easy. I shouldve gotten a B or so. I dont know we will have to see.
I aint know where krystal is she hasn't returned my phone call. I think shes mad at me probably. On St. Patrick's day I'm gonna see Pat and then probably skylake because there's some goombay smash that has like 18923749873proof alcohol. I need to buy some party hats or something.
im running sooo low on money. even my savings is low and that shit i thought i was gonna have forever. so seriously if anyone is hiring, remember me. I am just so picky. I want to be a receptionist or something but i dont know.

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Subject:	my neck
Time:	9:35 pm.
Mood:	full.
Music:	system x pictures.

So I'm finally back from spring break in Panama City Beach. Everyone was either from Michigan or North Carolina or Pennsylvania or Texas...something southern and other than Florida. There was a lot of testosterone and it seemed like none of them got laid haha. But other than that I had my share of fun. It would have been cheaper and my drunk would have lasted all night if I was 21, but I really don't care. That's why you get wasted before you go out! I felt kinda shitty when I was up there because it seemed like everyone was in a cult and I wasn't invited. Girls gone wild! Russ' parents house is absolutely gorgeous. It's a three story beach house all decorated in tiki and shells and stuff. They were wonderful. I still have yet to send a present to them to thank them.
Well when I came back there was a terrific rolling party. I, of course, did not want to parttake. But at the last minute, I was the first to drop two in the back of my throat and it was glory from there. I felt so nice, rubbing titties and getting my feet massaged haha. It was cool. I think I only like girls that are like me in ways.
I wanna do it again! hahah!
I'm getting so pissed off at myspace. It won't let me sign on! I have letters to write that I normally don't feel like writing but now I do and I can't! I am uploading spring break pixx. They came out awesome.
My throat has phlegm in it and im starting to get a cough. I think a rat died in my ceiling and it's stanky.
I am hanging out more with pat and mario. It's nice to just sit there and laugh and talk about old stuff and have fun rather than going somewhere else where I wish I wasn't and pretend like Im having fun. I love them so much though I dont care. I love all my friends, they all mean well.
My messsican tan fadded away so now i have to get a new one. I hope when I get older my skin wont turn into leather. rar. I hate windyness. I want to wear skirts but god is making it fly up. aaaaah

i need a massage
all over

oh yeah i saw lil wayne at pcb
hes short
and thats all
i got a peekture
fiyaman

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Subject:	hey lil mamamama
Time:	10:09 am.
Mood:	irritated.

So my birthday was lame. Just felt like another day. I went to skylake after school, smoked out of the roor, and ate pizza and garlic rolls with krystal and everyone at the house. Then I went home and laid around. Happy birthday bitch. haha. No actually I dont care. I wanted to go to sushi but everyone had something to do.
Mike and I went to that supertarget in west boynton. I thought it was already opened cause i guess amanda and jessica both said they worked there so obviously i assumed working meant, well whatever they do. So we go in and a cop stops us and hes like wait about a half an hour and we were sooo confused. So it was their grand opening. It was soo nice. Everything was in order. I felt like messing it all up. They even hired models to promote their foods and products and such. There were like 50 people maxx and everyone was like can i help you canihelpyou noooo! but its nice and i wish I could work there but i smoke a lot.

I went to sleep last night with a sore ass throat. everything i did, even to breathing, it hurt. my sinus' were or are so damn dry and it feel like i dont know i cant explain. like you breath so much and you dont drink anything. ah fuck it. and my monthly is here and i dont feel like going to panama city because everyone is gonna wanna get drunk and im just gonna want to sleep with a heating pad on my belly and not go to the beach to see pretty blonde skinny bitches walking and talking country with their teeny boobs and no butts. mike likes them girls. i always try to compare myself to his last girlfriend and i get so depressed for some reason. its weird. maybe i have just always been compared to other people but this one i love and its hard to have seen someone else once have loved the SAME person you love ahh lovelovelove. but i guess pisces doesnt have to be fat or skinny they still do all the same things. wine, get our ways, and give too much and complain and laugh and want to be with people and want to be alone or getting attention or whatever!!!! everyone pisces i met was exactly alike including myself. i just always get involved with people it seems like to get over what they had before me. like everything he does im like wellll....what about your ex girlfriend. and its something totally not related to our subject!! whatever.
im just blahblahblah. i even took amoxacillin for my throat that my mom had left over. but i forgot i was supposed to go tanning today so hopefully i dont turn yellow. ah! seriosuly, i did before. prescription medicines can be fucking detrimental!
i hate hardcore drugs. back in the day when i was having a self- discovery or analyzing the world and the people im supposed to spend the rest of my life with, i was doing all that shit. now that im done, i have really high anxiety, just wanna be bored and shut myself out.
before my appearances in highschool i was a mute. i didnt talk much to anyone. i was scared that someone will talk about my flaws or just strike me down. so i lashed out when i got my nose done and actually made myself talk, smoke, not care etc. and now since im out of that, it was like a made up person and im really 13 again trying to make people comfortable, suiting their needs and not mine, or not doing anything involving myself in the world. but ive made plenty of mistakes and people know me as this and that...its so hard to be misunderstood. the only people that see me is probably krystal and sarah korn and maybe mike. but its hard to compare like 10 years to 1 year for the difference.
okay well maybe im going to talk to a therapist.
ill holla
love always
rebebebeccaa roxxxxxxybecca!

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Subject:	its my party i could cry if i want to
Time:	10:22 am.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	nooooooooneeeeee.

Today is the rebirth of rebecca. I am in school and nothing is happening that is special because im twennie. But who knows the day can change. Im getting pumped for spring break. going to panama city. I need to get my tan on right quick. I dont feel like dieting i wanna eat burgers and fries and tacos. Everytime I think about fast food I think about msg and horomone intake. Gross.

So myspace is pretty gay. i think someone made a fake page about me but its so funny. its already on the web so how are they gonna act like im shocked. i know what i did. you probably do the dirty to me anyway! its probably a girl who sees me everywhere or hears about me and theyre like god dammit why cant i do that and they get mad and jealous and i laugh and they will continue being a loser for the rest of eternity! oh well life goes on. its just annoying tho that i cant get out of others lives. isnt it weird that it happened like almost two years ago?!?!

im glad i have my lovely life and friends.
but it feels like im a movie star and i get all this unnecessary attention and like random photos and autographs. but im not like big like jenna jameson wtf?! its just that i started being insane in highschool and a lot of people know me cause they talk. but when people get out of highschool and start growing up, the attention will lesson.

im probably gonna eat sushi or something nice tonight. mike bought me a nice ass dvd/ cd player for my room. even though i dont have any speakers, or dvds, ill make good use out of it. i love my mom and my grandma. my grand is a lot like myself.

i have been developing some form of fear withiin myself that i cant control. i freak out and have panic attacks at least once a day. im afraid of people especially in large amounts and public places. all i want to do is lock myself away. i have a feeling its the drugs from my past and this is the outcome of my brain now. i dotn know. maybe its juice. maybe i need to talk to someone and make me feel better. i just hate things that make you something else. but i guess its for the better and for happier feelings, then so be it. i really hate it. it started happening last year and its just gotten worse.

i think im just gonna go get a job somewhere and then continue my education during the summer.
its better that way.
well gotta get ready for class. im not going to my nightclass tonight. all we do is watch movies. so holla at your girl. kay love bye.

<3333lessthanmothafuckin3
new york is in the motha fuckin house
becca

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